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SHEWANDA RILEY: When love hurtsBy Shewanda Riley “Likewise, I exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself a pattern of good works, in doctrine showing integrity, reverence and incompatibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed having nothing evil to say of you.” – Titus 2:6-8
Much like the disappointment my parents probably felt as they realized that once again their words of wisdom had fallen on my stubborn ears, this week I’m feeling what can only be described as a similar kind of disappointment about the men I meet who are “born and raised in Dallas.” Before all you native Dallasites flood my email with your responses to get out of Dallas if I don’t like it, first let me say that I’ve enjoyed the 8 years that I’ve spent in Dallas. And before you write me and call me a male-basher, I acknowledge that women also play the same, in some instances, more cruel games in relationships. The sad truth is that I’ve met plenty of other women (including some born and raised in Dallas) who said they’d never date a Dallas native either. I even made a decision a few years ago to never, ever date another man who spent any of his formative years in the 214 area code. One of my male friends (born and raised in Dallas) told me that I was being unfair to the many Big D men who are well-balanced and men of integrity. He told me that what I was doing was wrong because I was profiling…..DWD (Dating while from Dallas). After thinking about it, and realizing how ridiculous it was, I agreed with him and after many years I recently ended my boycott of Dallas men. Despite what I’ve experienced, I believe that there are many more good men and men who are striving to be good men in Dallas. But I had a recent experience that Is making me consider re-instituting my Big D boycott. About a month ago, ”Colbert”( a friend or so I thought) mentioned that a friend of his(“Roderick”) was asking about me and wanted to go out. Both men are born and raised in Dallas, members of a very prominent family-centered church and talk often about the importance of being men of integrity. Colbert, who insists he is happily married, also insisted that his friend was “picky” about the women he went out with and that’s why he wasn’t married or seeing anyone seriously. In a later conversation, Roderick also confirmed that he wasn’t seeing any one seriously. It turns out that Colbert was lying for his friend who then lied to me (Roderick is in a committed relationship and has plans to marry his girlfriend soon). At first glance, it looks like they were planning to play a game with me as one of the participants. Nothing happened other than a few superficial conversations with Roderick and God obviously shut this one down before even a friendship could get started. . So why does this hurt me? Because the expectations I had to see the greatness of Dallas men were again dashed by the foolishness of a few. What should I do (if anything) to Roderick or Colbert? Should I confront them or just let it go? And most importantly, do I re-institute my DWD boycott? In the next few weeks, I’ll share your responses and let you know what my response was to Roderick and Colbert. Shewanda Riley is the author of the Essence best-seller "Love Hangover: Moving From Pain to Purpose After a Relationship Ends." She can be reached at lovehangover@juno.com. Plan to join her at "Loving in the Red Zone," the 4th Annual Love and Relationship Conference in June 2004. Click link below to purchase book! |
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As a child, the words that I hated to hear more than anything from my parents were “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” Even though this was usually right before I got a well-deserved spanking, those words didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, the guilt of knowing that I was getting what I’d deserved made me feel much worse.
